Grandparents Matter

06 December 2011

And it doesn’t matter what culture we belong to - Christmas, being holiday time gets to be a family get-together for many people, whatever their religion.

There are two groups of people who revel in it. No prizes for guessing the first group - the children of course, while the other are the grandparents - the youngest and oldest who have an affinity which has always been an aspect of human cultures since the first family group sat round a cave fire.

Just as parents discover that they have a sort of free-masonry with all other parents, so it is too with grandparents.From just being the parents of adults who often find them old-fashioned or irritating, as soon as a baby is born, the grandparents on both sides suddenly have another important purpose in life. They become valuable again, as baby-sitters, reliable back-stops, rocks in time of stress or trouble, and a resource who have all the experience which the new young parents lack.

And along with the experience comes the knowledge, sometimes the  wisdom, and certainly the confidence of having done all this before. So when the new baby first arrives, in all the joy and excitement the grandparents can give the parents the support they need. When the second comes along they are there to look after the first-born, and help in myriad ways when new babies explode into the family circle with all the surprises and stresses they bring, no matter how much the baby is wanted.

As the children grow older, and the parents more confident, grandparents ease back from the hands-on support they give when the baby is small, but their value increases as time goes by. When things are going well, families seem to manage perfectly well without them, but it’s when life starts to hit turbulence, that grandparents re-surface as the rocks for their children and grandchildren to cling to.

But it isn’t only during hard times that grandparents have their value, of course. While parents value them for their loving support, their  grandchildren value them for other things as well.Grandparents usually give unconditional love, and as recipients of that rare and precious form of love, children blossom, and revel in being with their grandparents.

Often parents think grandparents “spoil” their grandchildren, and it does go with the territory. But there’s more to it than that. For children to be with someone un-critical, who isn’t worried if they don’t eat their vegetables, (their own children have grown up without eating all their vegetables!), has time to jump puddles, watch butterflies hatch, or simply be an admiring audience while they climb a tree, is special.

My granddaughter still remembers us jumping on her shadow when she was eighteen months old. One sunny day with my four littlies in the park, they all decided to move on down a steep bank to climb another tree and play in its roots. “Come on Grannie,” the eldest called.“It’s too steep for me, darling,” I called back, “you go ahead.” “But it’s no fun if you’re not watching”, was the reply.

I realised in that moment, that what our grandchildren want is our time, our presence, and our enjoyment of them.’And in their turn children learn to love, respect and enjoy another generation.

Grandparents of both sexes are the repositories of a society’s culture. They pass on the family history in casual stories, they teach skills and proverbs, share information and spiritual values.

They give an emotional and spiritual depth to the family life, and at their best, are emotionally available. My grandmother taught me to knit and sew, skipping rhymes and prayers. Not many children want to learn these things any more, but they do want to know how to grow things and look after our world, even how to cook. So though many grandparents may not be computer-literate, they have other gifts to share! They have time, patience and perspective, they have usually mellowed and can bridge trying times with humour and calmness and even wisdom. That newspaper column called “What your granny should have taught you,” isn’t really a joke. It’s stating a truth we all know, that there’s a fund of practical folk lore, skills and information in all cultures which it’s the duty of grandparents to pass on.

The ideal grandparent is always there when needed, and they are never more needed than when illness, death divorce or other disaster hits. They can give both emotional and practical support, and it’s often during divorce that they can be of most use to their suffering children and grandchildren. By not taking sides between daughters or son in law, they can remain a neutral but loving base for both estranged parents and heart-broken children to turn to.

Grandparents can help their grandchildren by listening non-judgementally to everything they pour out, and are often the only people the children feel they can talk to without seeming to criticise their beloved parents. There are some heroic grandparents in our society who have shouldered the job of parenting their grandchildren in their retirement, coping with their own arthritis and infirmities when death, disaster or drugs have robbed the children of their parents. The older generation can give the emotional stability which a family needs in troubled times and in ordinary times.

So at Christmas, when the grannies are wielding washing up mops, or whipping up a spoily pudding, or grandpa is bowling gentle cricket balls to his energetic grandsons, remember that they are integral part of a child’s life…that though they thought being your mother or father was their most important task, now they have one just as important. Families need grandparents.

Christmas especially demands to have every member present, and every generation has its part to play.The memories of these happy times with the same rituals and customs and the same people they love last forever in a child’s memory.

Whatever the religious beliefs of a family, this experience of inter-generational sharing, laughing, playing and eating makes the festival a time of love for all.

By Valerie Davies

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