Stay Connected - A Story for Dads
29 July 2011
A reminder to all those parents who are absent or separated from their children on how important they still are in their child's life. No matter how young your child is there are lots of ways you can still stay connected.
I had enormous distance after my parents separated and my mother came to New Zealand and my Dad went back to England. Even before my Dad left the country his communications with us had become irregular and virtually non-existent.
One long standing memory was when I was four, and mum was at work, and he came to tell my brother and me that he wouldn’t see us for a very long time. He gave me a book and some smarties. I remember feeling very sad, alone and upset.
So to all those parents who end up being separated from their children here are some tips on what might have helped me feel important, loved, valued and still a part of my Dad’s life.
The most obvious and common sense message is to stay in touch and be regular about it. Even though you may no longer have regular weekends with your child make sure you use that time to write a letter or make a phone call. Letters and cards (even postcards if you aren’t very good at writing – they are a smaller space to fill!) are a great and inexpensive way to stay in touch. For your child there is the excitement of not knowing when another letter might be in the mailbox but if you make it regular they know any day there will be something from you!
You could buy a special box together and tell your child this is the box for them to keep all the letters, cards and other special stuff in. The Warehouse sells cardboard ones you could decorate together with pictures of the two of you together.
Remember if you do phone that your child may not have a lot to say, so make sure you have lots of questions handy, use the answers as leads to ask more about what is going on. And if your child seems a bit silent then tell them all about what is going on in your life, what you do most days, help them try and imagine you in your new setting.
Don’t forget to tell your child how much you miss them (my Dad never did, so as a kid I assumed he didn’t, but now as an adult I’ve heard a lot about how much he actually did).
NEVER forget birthdays! Too often I hear how important that action is! I waited for 2 days after my 21st hoping my Dad would call despite having had a lovely party with friends and family. But it really mattered to me to hear from my Dad.
You will ALWAYS be the most important man in your kid’s lives - don’t think otherwise, you are their Dad and no matter how good someone else is at being that person there is something very special about your ‘real’ Dad.
Saying good bye is horrible. If it feels awful for you, know that your child is feeling it just as much, if not more, because they can’t use adult thinking to process it.
Don’t forget however hard it feels to you to stay in touch it means something, your child won’t forget your efforts, your child will feel loved and treasured and it will help keep your connection alive.
Written by Victoria Carter
